The adventures of Patrick, the man who doesn't want to get laid, part 5


by Shteevie almost 7 years ago

The fat girl at Kentucky Fried Chicken touched my forehead with the palm of her hand. Her skin was oily and she had pimples. There was a green fungus growing on one armpit and I knew that when she was in junior high, she played the trombone. But I let her touch me anyway.

"You are not where you belong," she said. "You are not doing what you are meant to do."

"What am I meant to do?" I asked. "I know it's not to be a porn star because that would mean getting laid and that is something I do not want to do."

"Jigsaw puzzles," she said. "You and my mother need to get into the jigsaw puzzle manufacturing business. Also, you need to make your own yogurt. I make my own yogurt every morning. I mix it up in a big vat. I jump on the vat at 6:30 a.m. when I wake up and yogurt spurts everywhere. It sort of looks like ejaculation but of course, you would not know anything about that because you do not like to get laid. Are you a virgin?"

"No," I said. "I have had sex 3 times. Would you like to hear about them?"

"Yes," said the fat girl at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

"Well the first time was when I was 16. I was on a houseboat in Hawaii and there was a girl on the next boat named Mungobungodungo. She was from Baltimore. She was 17, one year older, and she asked me if I would like to have sex and I said sure. It lasted 3.2 minutes and then she had to go back to her knitting."

"Your first sex was not enjoyable? Is that why you don't want to get laid anymore?"

"No. It is just that there are things that are more fun than getting laid?"

"Like what?"

"Like parcheesi and video games and visiting Baltimore and making yogurt and typing the letter Q and filing my nails and smelling old people's farts and sending postcards to Morgan Freeman.

Comments

Login or Join to remark.

Shteevie

4

11
47

No favorites

No favorites

Story information

license

Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0

The prompt for this story