"Birds are terrifying because they used to be dinosaurs and they are just waiting for us humans to stop remembering that fact. Waiting for us to turn our back. And then, just when we think we're safe, BAAAAMMM! All those cute little sparrows and robins and doves turn into raptors and shit - but now they can fly too, so there is nowhere safe. Seagullsaurus will shit on us and then swoop down and gobble us up as we stand there, freaking out about getting shat on.

"Imagine all the pigeons in cities growing razor sharp fangs and an unquenchable thirst for human blood. We won't have anywhere to hide. Those things are everywhere. "And don't even get me started on eagles or vultures and ostriches.

"So that's why you have to put the baby bird back, honey, otherwise we'll be labelled as birdnappers when the bird-dino revolution happens.

"Don't start with the mother won't accept it because it smells like a human. Birds don't have noses. Now put it back in the nest like I told you."