I held it at arm's length. It had begun to exude a rather offensive smell, but it was not that that had caused me to desire such distance between me and the thing that would undoubtedly change my life.

The thing in question squirmed and grinned as she shoved a fat hand in her gummy mouth.

"You're sure she's mine?" I asked for what was probably the fiftieth time.

"Absolutely sure. The DNA test was entirely conclusive."

The baby gurgled and reached her now slobbery hand towards me. I raised my eyebrows and slowly brought her towards my chest, where I cradled her in my arms. She stared up at me with unwavering curiosity.

"Looks like you're stuck with me now then, kid," I murmured, as I turned toward the toilets to change her doubtlessly biohazardous underwear.