"Welcome back! Our next contestants are the seven year old Billy and his abusive father Jim, from Fall River, Texas. Billy's first and only birthday party contained two hookers, heroin, coke and a lot of gun shooting, Jim's hobbies are NASCAR, lifting and drinking heavily, and apparently throwing awesome birthday parties! However only one of them get's to escape the family alive, tonight, when we play:
ESCAPE THE FAMILY - ALIVE!
Let's just jump right away into our first game, called:
TAKE A HIT, YOU LITTLE WUSS!
Here are the rules. Billy. You stand behind this line, while we shoot empty beer bottles at you. Try to dodge the bottles, but WATCH OUT, because Jim: your challenge is to beat the living shit out of Billy, okay? Now Billy, you can't fight back, and you can't run away. You can try to hide, but remember: Only faggots hide. Billy, are you ready? Then let's start the clock, ESCAPE THE FAMILY IN 3…2…1… GO!"
"Billy immediately run's to the exit."
"That'll cost him points, John!"
"Yup. If you wanna win at "Escape", you have to listen to the rules!"
"Whoops, here comes Jim!"
"Look at him go. You can really see, this isn't his first time beating up Billy."
"Yeah, but you can tell Billy's experienced, too! Look, how he handles those punches. Covering his testicles with his face and, oooohhh…. Now he's trying to run again."
"Son, this isn't your wedding, am I right?"
"I believe he's looking for a place to hide."
"Looking at Billy's tactic's so far, I start to wonder what his end game is here. It clearly seems, that he doesn't know what to do."
"Watch Jim on the other hand, absolutely in his element, here. Extra points for yelling "faggot"."
"Though I have to say, Billy's been dodging every single bottle so far, let's see- WOAH!"
"Whoops, there's the bootle, ha ha!"
"Just as I was saying it, Billy got struck down by a bottle of beer, and I say that is it."
"Yup. Jim clearly has the advantage now, and look at him swinging those punches."
"And the timer is up. Let's check in with Chris for the results."
"Thanks, guys. I'm standing here right now with Jim, who seems to have earned an impressive victory tonight. We're still waiting for the official results, they should be here every second, now. Jim, what went through you're head, as you saw Billy running for the exit, early in the match?"
"C'mere, you little wuss. Learn to take a hit, lil' faggot!"
"Yes, speaking of which, you earned a lot of verbal extra points. Faggot, for one, others were pussy, bitch, cocksucker, buttfucker… Now, that this fight is over, are there any words you regret you didn't play?"
"I'll fucking rape you…"
"Let's see, if it was enough anyway. The result's are here, let's take a look at the wall, shall we?
And with an earth shattering 32.2 Nielsen rating, this show stay's on the air!
Congratulations, Jim! Here's you're prize!"
"Child services may take Billy away, but don't worry, because your wife is pregnant again! So be sure to aim for the belly, next you time you beat her up, cause it'll be a beating for two!"
"That's it for tonight! We thank all you millions and millions of people for tuning in, so we can line our walls with cash! Don't forget to buy the merchandise and tune in next time for
ESCAPE THE FAMILY - ALIVE!
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