Excerpt from personal diary, Saturday, Sept. 23, 2010:

Experiments designed to give self artificial sexual fetish involving lamps have thus far resulted in failure. First attempted to insert lamp into arbitrary orifice; however this failed due to how cumbersome the lamp in question was. Perhaps there is a non-penetrative alternative?

Excerpt from personal diary, Saturday, Sept. 24, 2010:

Attempted masturbation while entertaining thoughts of the lamp. So far unable to sexualize the object itself, and thus unable to complete experiment. Will try again with different parameters tomorrow.

Excerpt from personal diary, Saturday, Sept. 25, 2010:

The lamp wouldn't turn on. Unable to find support for my hypothesis that the function of the lamp would render it sexually appealing; must leave home to purchase new light bulbs.