Fred wanted the puppets. He wanted all the puppets, man. If Fred couldn't have puppets, he'd be a miserable SOB. All he could ever think about was puppets. He wore his socks on his hands. That's how much he loved puppets.

So when he saw the Punch and Judy set on ebay, he knew he had to act. Problem was: Sylvester Stallone was coming over for lunch. He'd slaved for hours over the meal (pickles on rye bread. And figs.) He wanted to impress Sylvester Stallone with stories of how he rubbed Cheez Whiz into the hair of his buttocks, but now he was being distracted by the puppets.

BUY IT NOW, the ebay screen said. So Fred clicked on it. He had successfully bought the Punch and Judy puppets. Problem is, they were made of solid gold. The total cost: $568723. He didn't have that much money. Maybe he's ask Sylvester Stallone for it.

Sylvester Stallone showed up at 12:12. "Yo," he said. "I have your puppets."

Sly handed Fred the hook nosed Punch.

"Ahhhh!" said Fred. "How'd you get these?"

"I was the seller," said Sylvester Stallone. "All money is going to charity."

"I got no money," said Fred.

"Ok," says Sly. "I'll let you have 'em for free if you cut both your legs off. Always wanted to see someone do that."

So Fred grabs his machete and CHOP! CHOP! Both legs tumble off. Blood spurts everywhere. Soon he and Sly are drowning in it. And as Sly stitched up the bleeding stumps, Fred says: "Thank goodness you didn't ask me to cut off my hands?"

"Why's that?" asks Sylvester Stallone.

"'Cause then I couldn't operate my puppets."

Sylvester Stallone laughed.

So did Fred.

Then they ate figs and talked into the wee hours of the morning. They talked about George Kennedy