I've never liked nature. I never saw the point. I've got a perfectly comfortable bed, a nice kitchen, television, the Internet, you name it. Nature has bugs, extreme temperatures, all kinds of dangers and obstacles. That's why humans built civilization - to overcome all of that. What campers and nature-lovers are saying is that our entire civilization is a terrible idea.

It all changed when I fell in love with Eve. How could I fall so hard for a nature-lover? What was I thinking? Obviously I wasn't thinking. She stepped up to me in the grocery store, commented on the canvas bag I was carrying (the one I got at the library for $1 that has words in all kinds of different languages - black, very classy), and that was it. Next thing I knew, she was living in my apartment, and we were planning a camping trip.

She caught me packing my iPod and headphones, and we had our first fight. I mean our first real fight - the kind where you attack personalities, make ugly generalizations, and do or say anything to hurt. I unpacked it all - my hatred of nature, of camping, the foolishness and anti-civiliziational stand. The whole thing. And you know what? She said, "Yeah, I never thought of it that way," and she's given it up forever. I love to win.