Marvin knew that he had to return the salad dressing. Last night, it started screaming at him. "BRING ME DWARVES!" it yelled. Strange, since as far as Marvin knew, salad dressing does not have vocal cords.

So he put the salad dressing in a baggie and threw it in the back of his backpack. He could hear the salad dressing yelling. "I HATE THE DARK AND I HATE THE WARMTH!!! THIS IS WORSE THAN THE FRIDGE! THAT WAS DARK BUT AT LEAST IT WAS COLD!!!"

Down the stairs Marvin ran. As he pushed his way out the door, he ran into Gumma Flav, the Jamaican street mime who maintained a busking spot outside Marvin's apartment building.

"Hey mon," said Gumma. "Check out my new mime move man. I call it, man walking against the wind."

Marvin watched as Gumma did a very impressive mime routine.

"Sorry," Marvin said. "I need to get to the store a s a p."

"NO HE DOESN'T!" screamed the salad dressing. "HE NEEDS TO GO TO THE HOT DOG STAND!"

"Hey mon, what is that?" asked Gumma. "You got some kid hiding in your backpack?"

"No," said Marvin, but Gumma didn't believe him. He seized the backpack and yanked it off Marvin's shoulders. He unzipped it and looked down at the bounty.

"Just a bottle of salad dressing, mon."

"NO SHIT, SHERLOCK!" screamed the salad dressing.

"I'm no fan of backtalking food items," said Gumma. "You want to adopt a civil tone with me or I be kicking your Thousand Island ass right back to the Kraft plant."

"I am frightened," said the bottle of salad dressing.

So Gumma unscrewed the top and poured salad dressing all over Marvin's head. A flock of ravens swooped down and ate his head. Marvin died and lots of people gave Gumma money.