Everyone tries to be funny and make jokes about the magic beans. "Trade a cow? How about my wife?" they say. But magic beans, and the vines that grow from them? That's no laughing matter, and my garden is a mess.

You ever known a weed to go away by cutting it down? No of course not, you cut the weed, and it will just grow back. You have to pull the thing out by the roots if you're going to have any hope of getting rid of the thing, and even then it's usually back in a week. Well, try a magical weed that goes all the way up to the sky. Can you imagine what damage those roots do to my septic system? My house has leaves and roots stuck throughout the whole thing, and don't even ask about my foundation.

And that's just the concerns to me. If a vine is going to grow, all that energy has to come from somewhere. Not only do I have a line of farmers every day complaining that my vine (My vine! Like I want the thing!?) is blocking the sun to their crops. Well, every bit of nutrient in the entire county seems to go towards this giant weed I have in my yard. Farms are blighted, and my tomatoes haven't come in right for two years now. And it's only a matter of time before we get the dust storms.

It wouldn't be so bad if the weed was edible, or even usable. But any fires are smoky and terrible to cook with. And the fruit? Well, anyone stupid enough to eat the weird berries from a magic vine gets what is coming to them, that's what I say. But even so, I'm getting regular complaints from every mom and dad around when their kid turns some sort of weird bird creature, or if they start speaking backwards, or if at night they scream out horrible prophecies. Is that supposed to be my fault?

All I wanted was food.