She would never use a sippy cup for wine. She just wouldn't. And not because the other mothers would smell the fermentation on her breath. Not because her eyes would gloss over as the nannies began to talk about the hockey-playing "manny" who worked with the two boys at the Sullivans. Not because she would have to hold tightly to the padded grip of the jogging stroller. It wasn't because her Rosacea gave her cheek bones a cherry hue. It had nothing to do with her morning run to the playground, the mile and half she squeezed in everyday.
She...
There is nothing good about Monday. I feel bad every time I think that, because then I realize, "Well, I could be dead, or in Cleveland, and then my Monday would be much worse." And then I feel bad for making fun of Cleveland in my head, because I actually liked it the one time I went there.
Even though I don't do much here, it's hard to escape the native smugness that comes with being from New York City. It is all going on here. The thing is, I don't want to do most of it. I'm pretty internal,...
The baker is making a pie.
Why, oh why,
Was I not invited?
You had a big party.
I wasn't invited.
I never am.
It's a dance, this time.
And I'm still not invited.
Why?
I guess it's better to say,
I'm uninvited.
More than enough.
Price of a roll of Kodachrome: $5
Cost of the Canon camera: $200
Wage per photo published in Life Magazine: $25
Price per bushel of corn: $2
Day's wages for detasselers: $0.25
Fate always gets the last laugh.
You expect one thing, another happens. You predict a storm, there's not a cloud in the sky. You bet on red, the ball lands on black.
Or worse, double-zero. Salt in the wound.
I hated it. Predictions, prognostications, fortunes even, for those inclined to call it that... they're supposed to be real. I always believed in that little bit of the supernatural, some little psionic impulse, letting you see fate, visualize fate, and perhaps even manipulate fate.
Only I could never get it right. Nothing ever rang true, even when I deliberately predicted the...
The results were in: I won. I won first place in the contest. What contest? The contest to setermine who would recieve the grand prize of 1 milllion dollars. Shocked, flaberghasted! Amazed! crying! I couldn't belive it! I said to to Milred, the clerk at the counter, "Wait. Are you serious? I won? Are you sure? Could you check my ticket again, just to make sure?" Milred, a 65 year old grandmother who could barely see over the counter, said, "Mister. I've looked at it three times already. You must belive it. You have won. You are a wealthy man...
Randy: Well Bob, I ain't seen any antelope, nor any deer. An' it sure don't look like there's any home on this here range!
Bob: [spits] Aww sheet Randy! Ah knew we shouldn't ev followed those stinky Injuns!
Randy: You got any Marlboro's there bwoy? Ah think ah need a smoke!
[Bob hands Randy a cigarrette]
Bob: [suddenly worried] Are we walking on a layer of kerosine?
[Randy lights his Zippo]
[-BOOM!!!- Stage Lights Full Glare]
-Stage Lights Off
The Loch Ness Monster was on vacation. As was the case with most celebrities, Nessie wanted her privacy. This wasn't a working vacation, it was for her own sanity, and she didn't intend to frighten anyone while relaxing in Lake Superior.
Then the stupid dog looked down. Stupid dogs, always looking down. Nessie was in the middle of her favorite book, "Flowers in the Attic" and she popped up very briefly just to see if it was raining or night, or if there were any passing UFOs she could snack on. Instead, there was a dog.
"Shoo, stupid dog!" she...
Well, when the baby pop his head out of his mother tummy, the baby already was in distress by this unknow new environment. What a shock to him. All he could said already was;
What do I am doing here!
"It feels so cold"
"Why do they take me out of my confortable warm place"
Yet, more and more the baby wanted to go back, the nurse only wash him and presented to the mother.
It felt suddenly very comfortable to be hold and the baby could feel the warmth again.
"What a joy again, he said to himself"
As...
He watched as she leaned against the tree, staring at him. "What?" he asked self-consciously as he shifted in his seat. "Do I have a booger?"
She laughed, stood up, and shook her head. "No, silly," she replied. "I'm just thinking." She walked over to him and looked down into his brown eyes. "Haven't you ever wanted to walk? I mean, sitting in that thing all day's gotta suck."
"I don't sit down all day!" Mark said to his friend. "You know that, Mary. You spend half the day at my house on the weekends."
"Yeah, I guess." She shrugged....