I walked into the restroom, and relieved myself while reading PEOPLE'S MAGAZINE. I got the latest updates on Bradalina, or Angpitt or whatever, while I was taking a dump. As I walked out my mouth gaped as I found out that Jenifer Aniston and Tom Cruise were hooking up.
TEXT:
OMG! JA and TC ARE TOTALLY HOOKING UP LOL!
L8R!
I called my BFF Malissa and told her about the latest update. After we talked for a while, she sighed and told me she really didn't care. I told her to start caring about things that really mattered in life,...
I didn't want to do it, really. Jimbo was fooling around at the register and the clerk was eying us nervously. Next thing I know I'm holding the gun while Jimbo vaults the counter. He's crazed and scared and mad and his voice is shaking and the clerk is pissing himself and I know this is gonna end bad. I'm waving the gun like a toy and I get this weird feeling in my gut and my head starts to sing and I feel anger well up and my vision narrows and I'm yelling too now and the guy is...
Once, in Beijing, a young girl in a red gown huddled in a doorway.
A voice calls out urgently. She rises, summoned.
"Yu-Jing, laundry!" It is harsh and altogether unkind. She glides into the hall, gown flowing behind askance. Her eyes rest on the floor.
She is addressed without being seen. "Have them cleaned. Collect them tomorrow." The girl gathers, bundles, wraps, more delicately than they deserve. The red gown flows behind her over the floor, across the doorway, into the streets. Yu-Jing takes her master's bundle to the laundromat, the red splashing colors into the muddy pools of the...
Once there was a beautiful kingdom with a wise ruler, a red wolf demon. He was cunning and strong, and loved long. During an especially daunting hunt, chasing a herd of water buffalo, he was joined by a pack of ordinary wolves, gray and black and brown. They all enjoyed the feast that hunting together had brought them, and in the celebrations, he met the most beautiful she-wolf he had ever laid eyes on. Her fur was gray, with that glossy sort of sheen you only see in the mornings of the reddest of sunrises, a color that rivaled his...
It felt like I was just waking up. I shook my head. I looked at my surroundings. A boxing ring. People cheering. Is there an ape in the crowd?
Who am I?
I'm German. I'm a boxer. People are expecting something from me. Act German.
I did a militaristic dance, taking no joy in it like I might once have. I knew my opponent. We had been in the ring before.
He beat me then, I knew he'd beat me now.
I shouted something in German. I knew no one would understand me. It didn't matter. I went into the...
A steady rain poured outside to her left. On her right, the family had gathered for a special dinner. They sat quietly, watching the girl make the biggest decision of her life. Would she stay with them and eat, or run headlong into the wet streets of the city?
She had one reason to remain, and one reason to leave.
Both compelled her greatly.
Her father had been sick for a year. This dinner was to celebrate his good health. He always called her his little red devil, for she was mischievous and always wore something red, every day.
She...
This girl was smokin' hot and carried an umbrella that matched her gown. She was on her way to a sumo wrestling match between her husband, Xiao and his enemy, Chan. She was worried for her significant other, for he has been training for this match for his entire life -- this was his one moment to prove himself in the ring. For weeks, she watched Xiao drink eggs for breakfast and squats before bed. That said, she was confident that he would prove himself. She was confident that his training was enough to overtake his enemy.
She finally reached...
She was twelve years old and had blood red lipstick. Her face was flushed and her hair tangled. She knelt at the bottom of the door frame, holding her red gown to her shoulders so that it wouldn't slip off.
Her father would pick her up soon. Relish over the money he made today. Not ask her how her day was. Ignore her fidgeting and discomfort. As long as she kept her customers satisfied, her dad was satisfied. Or rather, his drinking addiction was satisfied.
She wrapped her arms tighter around her legs. Someday she would get out. Someday she...
Once, in Beijing, a young girl in a red gown huddled in a doorway. She thought red would be more appropriate than black. After all, she wasn't going to the funeral. She would have her own at home, remembering him as he was a week ago right there with her. He had greeted her where she now sat, kissed her blushing birdstone cheek. He was handsome then, his black hair like starling feathers nestled against her as they embraced.
But now it was time to think of those who had died. Not just him, but all the pantheon of people...
It's not easy being funny.
People expect things of you. They come to you down in the mouth, looking for a laugh. Most of the time you can oblige them, but it's hard creating something from nothing. I'm not a music box that you can wind up and expect to hear a tune. At least say "please."
I guess it comes from watching too much television. Sitcoms really mold a kid who spends half his day on the couch. That, and a willingness to tell the truth to people's faces.
Anyway, it's easy to ask for a laugh. It's just...