Jimmie Cannibal (joined about 9 years ago)

I rather not...

Stories


"Is it me, or are getting text messages tinier and tinier?" Without her glasses, Jen was practically blind. She searched her purse, but they weren't there, when suddendly her phone rang. "Great. I can't even see who's calling me. Hello?!" The voice on the other line was distortet, heavily breathing, and uttered: "Looking for something?" "Who is this?" The voice let out a quite and diabolical laugh. "That is for you to find out. At the desk right across from your's sits Jim. He knows everything. If you ask him, you will never see again... Because I will break you're...

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The audience stared open mouthed at me. They've probably never heard that much senseless profanity before. But blaming me, they can't. I told them my material wouldn't fit here, but they wanted me to do it anyway, so now they have to sit through it. It's as simple as that. Admittedly, I could ease it up a little, or better yet, I tell them my "Aristocrats" version. That'll teach granny not to ask me what I do for a living. I really hate these family gatherings...

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The summer was in full swing, but since all his friends were out of town, it has been mostly television for him. His mother couldn't stand him in the house any longer, so she sent him grocery shopping. While browsing through the various different magazines at the counter, he noticed a couple of guys from school heading towards him, smiling. Though two of them were in his Spanish class, he had never spoken a word with them before, so he was more than surprised when they invited him to a party at the beach that evening. But parties weren't really...

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I really don't remember how exactly I got to this point, but I'm here, so I might as well just deal with it.

"We should really head back now. It's getting too dark."
"No, let's stay. I'm sure the sun will come up every second now."
"Are you serious? It's..."

She couldn't read her watch. It displayed just symbols, like mine. They must have broken when we crashed onto that sidewalk. We're unstuck in time now.

"Isn't it late at night? The sun's not gonna come up for another few hours."
"No, it'll come up. You'll see."

We waited for...

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Back in his days, John was the sharpest lawyer in town. At the office we used to call him the "Samurai". He used to step into a court room, with a sword for a tongue, he would win over the jury, and he'd win the case, before you even noticed that it started.
So when he took on the case of the murdered child as the defence, the media was all over him. I remember him cancelling a meeting, because there were so many camera teams around him, that he could not move his car. When I asked him why...

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He was lucky when he found that nickel in the bushes, that'll show up again later. But it wasn't luck that brought him there. See, Marvin got mixed up with some bad people, and right now he is hiding in the bushes behind a gas station, on the run from the police for a robbery job gone wrong. "I have to get to Melinda," he plotted. "I need an Alibi." Luckily for him, she lived only a few blocks away, so he snuck through the alleys, always watching out for cops, but he wasn't lucky enough to find her at...

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Once upon a time in a bright, little forrest,
there were three Elves named Jimmie, Bob and Horace.

Jimmie was an arsonist, Bob was a drug lord,
and Horace killed hookers with an old VCR-cord.

They went into prison but just now they broke out,
"Each take a hostage and run to the river!", Bob shouts.

They stole a get-a-way boat to cross the stream,
when Bob decided to work against the team.

He killed two hostages and shot Jimmie in the leg,
So Horace had to put a bullet in Bob's head.

"My leg hurts like a bitch!", Jimmie...

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So I wanted to go to Europe over the summer. I installed some security cameras in my house, because safety, you know. When I fast forwarded through some tapes, I noticed that the goldfish glas was slowly moving. I took some of the other cameras, so that I had extra angles of that goldfish glas. That night, my TV was stolen, while I was asleep in my bedroom. They broke in, stole my TV and all I could see was that goldfish. But that doesn't matter, because my goldfish is awesome. It is the best pet one could ever have....

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The disco ball was turning.
The dance floor was burning.
But everyone decided to stay.

Water came down.
The people would drown.
In an excellent ecstasy state.

The DJ was killing.
The music was thrilling.
And ecstasy turned into hate.

And then they played Justin Bieber or something, which was incredibly lame.

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"Wait, so he hit you?" "Yep." "Right in the nuts?" "Right in the nuts." "But, why?" "Well, you see...

When I entered that store, I had only one thing in mind: beer. I went straight to the aisle, grabbed a six pack of the usual, took off to the counter, handed it over to the nice cashier, and payed. But before I got to the door, the cashier called me back. She said, that that old man behind me in line told her, that I stole that six pack from him. I went over to talk to him, but before...

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