Shteevie (joined about 12 years ago)

Stories


We stepped into the girls apartment and they removed their slutty clothes. Now they were naked. I sat down on the couch. One of them turned on the stereo. Prince was singing GETT OFF from his 1991 album Diamonds and Pearls.

The girls danced naked for me. They grinded their private parts on my knees and did naughty things. They licked their lips and talked dirty.

"You girls are very pretty," I said. "And if I was a guy who wanted to get laid then I would be very horny and my penis would probably not be flacid. However, I...

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There were two hot girls at the side of the bar. I walked up to them.

"Hi," I said. "My name is Patrick and I do not want to get laid."

"That is very admirable," one of the girls said. "Especially since I chose this dress because it shows off my ample breasts."

"Both of us are ovulating," the other girl said. "That means that our bodies want babies even though we, as social creatures, have no desire to be mothers at this exact moment."

"It is a good thing I have no desire to father children with you," I...

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He ran into the room, his heart pounding, and his clothes soaking wet.

"I just ate a fire hydrant," he said.

Mom and I were drinking tea by the fire. Now mom's brow furrowed.

"Donald, whatever do you mean?"

Donald peeled up his soaking wet shirt so we could see the hydrant protruding through his skin. I could see flecks of red paint trying to break through the skin above his solar plexus.

Mom went into the kitchen and came back with some pliers.

"We have to remove that hydrant," she said.

She stuck the pliers down his throat and...

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"You stink," said Martin.

"I do?" said Candice.

"Yes. You smell like eggs and old V8 and goose turds and a garbage dump and Count Chocula."

"Oh," said Candice. "Maybe I've been eating too much garlic."

"Here," said Martin, pulling out the garden hose. "I will shower you."

On went the hose. Candice was soaked. She shrieked. The water soaked her wedding dress, the white leather couch, the white carpet, and her two Corgis - Bill and Lem.

"Now I'm all wet," said Candice, peeling off her dress. She was now naked on the couch.

Martin stuck his nose in...

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The children were not at school. They were in the phone booth. Both of them - Kit and Lemuel. They just couldn't keep out of that phone booth, located on the corner of Samuel and Lane Street. Lord knew why. Maybe it was because of the peanuts.

Kit was 8 and Lem was 7 and they were both s'posed to be at Lincoln Elementary. But that phone booth called to them.

"Who should we call today?" asked Kit.

"Let's choose a name out of the phone booth at random," says Lem.

So they open up the white pages and Lem...

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The year was 1986 and Prince had just released his second motion picture, Under the Cherry Moon. It was a black and white movie and Prince spent much of it singing cool songs like KISS and GIRLS AND BOYS. He played a character named Christopher Tracy.

This is one thing that happened in 1986.

Other things that happened in 1986:

- A little girl in Columbus, Ohio walked down to neighbourhood 7-Eleven and bought a bag of Doritos.
- Some kid somewhere bought an old Chewbacca action figure for 10 cents at a garage sale.
- Only three e-mails were...

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There was this mouse, see, and her name was Dot. Dot the mouse. Anyway, Dot had a son whose name was Dwight. Dwight was hungry all the time because the only thing he would eat was Egg Foo Yung from the Golden Chopsticks restaurant in downtown Buffalo. Problem was Dot, Dwight, and the owner of the house, Helen Quartermain, lived in Detroit.

So Dot was pigging out on cheese and rice that Helen Quartermain had left on the floor. Dwight wouldn't touch it. So Dot goes up to Helen and says: "Yo, HQ. My baby's starvin and you better pick...

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I was going to the store to buy some Golden Grahams and mushroom soup. I was with Meadow, my kid sister, who was 11. Meadow had developed an infatuation with cole slaw. She wore it under her armpits. She danced a lot too. Her favourite fictional character was Smurfette.

We got to the store and the clerk, Mr. Didd, told us that we could have the Golden Grahams for free if we would do him a favour.

"Wassat?" asks Meadow.

Mr. Didd hands her a pouch of golden dust. "Take this into the woods and dispose of it," he says....

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I was going to the store to buy figs when the kid with the long brown hair ran past me. She was running so fast that her body was on an angle... like 45 degrees and her hair was raking back. There was a big piece of wood stuck to her back.

I bought my figs and then I started the arduous walk home. The girl ran past me again and I was able to stop her.

"Why are you running so fast?" I asked.

"Because of the wood stuck to my back," she said. "It is infested with termites."...

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The darn woodchuck was bothering me. He was a smart woodchuck. He had a bucket of red paint, which he was using to paint the golf course. "Ha ha ha," laughed the woodchuck. "I am painting this blade of grass right now. Watch as my paintbrush, which is laden in red paint, strokes the blade. See? It is red now. Ahahahaha!!!!!"

I was having none of it. I do not like the golf courses to be red, especially the green, which is called a green for a reason. You don't call them red or blues or yellows, do you? No....

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